I actually have no idea what I’m doing

It’s been a minute since I’ve opened my laptop to write on a regular basis. Between you and me, this long much-needed break has helped get my head and priorities (relatively) straight.

We’re officially approaching the halfway point of 2020, and so far this year has NOT been one anyone expected.

It’s now June, and, as I usually do around this time, I’ve spent a moment reflecting on what I want to achieve during the remainder of the year. Subsequently, I went down the “so what do I want in life?” black hole, and tbh I don’t know. The original plan was to make money, save money, travel more and be more creative. However, sitting on my bedroom floor, taking social distancing to a whole new level (with a bowl of snacks and Childish Gambino in the background), there is only one thing I want now, and that is to be happy by feeling like I’m actually capable.

Sounds simple right? Well, you’d be wrong to think so.

Having spent the better part of two years on auto-pilot to navigate through this mine-field call life, I still have no idea what the fu*k I’m doing. I have no idea if I’m on the right path or even in the right stage in my life. Hell, I don’t even know what is ‘right’ for this point in my life.

Where others have apparent certainty about what they want, I remain one of the most indecisive people I know, with a 95% success rate when it comes to avoiding the “where do you see yourself in five years?” question.

Photography – Kate Dyomina

At 10, I really thought I would have my shit figured out by the time I hit 20. I thought the peak of my life would be 25. But the more time passed the more I developed anxiety and believed I was a failure for not achieving what 10-year-old me aspired to do. I’ve been lowkey ashamed about it ever since. But now I understand, there is no shame in it whatsoever.

I’m very much over the insurmountable pressure that I’ve placed on my shoulders. This “pressure to be perfect”, whatever that means, has been crippling; destroying my self-confidence, and causing me to cast ideas aside out of fear I would fail.

At 26, and after many breakdowns, I’ve learned to be more comfortable with where I’m at rather than constantly beating myself up about where I’m not. So what am I going to do now? To be honest, your guess is probably better than mine, because I genuinely don’t have a game plan. And, as if hearing my admission, the universe has provided me with what I now see as an opportunity to re-evaluate my priorities while focusing on myself and self-development.

Today, I accept that you don’t really need to know what you’re doing. I may not have a single clue about what I should do, but it’s cool, at least I can finally admit it.

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