A life re-evaluation

July 2020: we’ve officially made it to month seven of the year that triggered a monumental change in many ways. Racism is being called out, cancel culture is rife and a global pandemic is shaping the way we live.

There have been life evaluations, financial overhauls. and realisations about what we and don’t want going forward; myself included. I suppose for my age, you could call it a quarter-life crisis because I’m prepared to start over with a clean slate. I call it a new beginning.

Looking back on how I got to “here”, there’s one thing that’s impacted the majority of my adult life – procrastination. By definition, procrastination is “the action of delaying or postponing something”. I used to think I did this because something seemed daunting, but now I know I was afraid of failing. Emotionally, I was not ready for that, and to be honest, I’m still not sure I 100% am.

Having self-doubts is one of my worst habits, (I’m working on it), but procrastinating is the one thing I would change if I could go back in time. I always looked for a way to avoid something, and it meant I always stopped myself before I even had a chance to get started. It is beyond detrimental, the biggest time-waster and causes you to put things off. The problem is, you still have to do it in the end (leaving yourself very little time), or you don’t even give yourself a chance, and leave it altogether.

Tomorrow never comes. There’s always another excuse, another day wasted, and another opportunity missed.

Becoming comfortable enough to take responsibility for my actions, and lack of, has been a long process. Being able to say “I literally can’t be bothered” is absolutely fine, even though as human’s we tend to create excuses as to why something can’t be done. (I am soooo guilty of this; at uni, I wasted weeks fretting over word counts, only to have anxiety-filled, sleepless nights and rushing at the last minute. Six years later, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking I have an essay to write. Shit has scarred me for life!)

Life is too short to be always thinking of excuses; be honest with yourself and work out why you are avoiding something. If you have no real reasons other than you think you may fail, what do you even really have to lose? If you’re starting a zero, you can’t really have less than that, despite what they teach you about the number line.

I know the choices I’ve made/not made have put me on this path, but in all honesty, if I could go back and kick myself up the arse I probably would. 

I remember, at 10-years-old writing: “by the time I’m 25 I want: to be married, have two kids, be rich, have a house with a car and go on five holidays a year”. What I’ve actually done is:

  • Question what I’m should be doing with my life.
    Got frustrated at the lack of ability to find the answers to the question above.
  • Have a disillusioned idea that if I appear to have my shit together, it would happen. FYI faking it until you make it doesn’t always work.
  • Stuck at a job I didn’t enjoy for nearly two years because I could do it with my eyes closed
  • Considered hibernating from life for the 17369599th time. In the end, realised: no money = no food, but food is life so clearly that plan has flaws
  • Googled “quarter-life crisis’ like 85 times, before really having to work out my actual problem.
Photography – Kaye Ford

It’s time to stop searching for answers to “have I screwed up my existence and how to fix it”. It’s about time I focus on: the career gal in me, who is always striving to be bigger and better; the adult in me who is always looking at the best ways to save; and the child in me who reminds me to have fun and not put too much pressure on myself.

It’s time for a new narrative, because my story is just beginning.

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